Message Boards for the CF Trust

Replies: 6 Pages: 1

sandylizz

Posts: 97
From: Shrewsbury
Registered: 10-Nov-2006

All Gone - Non CF
Posted: 04-Dec-2006 23:35

Reply

Now I need peoples oppinions that are nothing to do with me as I need to know If Im being silly..

As most of you know my Twin died, well her partner (my neices dad) has found someone new (this I was fine about and they have been together since about April).. Well a month ago He told my family she was pregnant so she was moving in with him and my niece Shannon..
As hard as it was for me I have accepted this as Carole would would want shannon to have a brother or sister (or half).. Plus I want Dan and Shannon to be happy...

But I went round there house today and noticed that all the pictures of Carole and Shannon had been taken down and replaced with pictures of Dan, Clare and Shannon.. ( I can understand the pictures of Dan and Carole being taken down but not the ones of Shannon and her Mummy..

Is this right or do I have a right to be annoyed as its like they have taken all the memories of shannons mummy down.. (Shannon was only 2 when her mum died but diffrent photos trigger memories for her..) I have no idea if or how I can tell my mum she will be devestated..

So guys do I ahev right to feel so upset by this.. I always want Shannon to remember her mummy...

xx Sandy xx

Lil Raver

Posts: 73
From: ma house
Registered: 08-Nov-2006

Re: All Gone - Non CF
Posted: 05-Dec-2006 00:34

Reply

Hi Sandy,

I will email you about this.

Take Care,

James H.

Message was edited by: Lil Raver

softie

Posts: 1,070
From: Croydon, Surrey
Registered: 07-Feb-2004

Re: All Gone - Non CF
Posted: 05-Dec-2006 02:28

Reply

You're not being silly. You are still mourning for and desperately missing your sister (I am sure - these things never go away) and even little things can be upsetting, and to have some of your memories "taken down from the walls" like that must be very upsetting.

But I wonder if you are in some way putting your feelings onto your niece? What hurts you so badly may not be what hurts your niece. Indeed - what helps you may even hurt your niece! If the woman in the photos was "mummy", and the woman who was doing the job of mummy and who was called mummy by her little sister was "Clare", then that would just confuse, and maybe even upset her. It might leave her feeling insecure, if her little sister was allowed to have a real-live mummy, but she just had "Clare" — and some pictures with one or two distant memories attached.

I feel it is far better that a little thing like that can accept her step-mother as Mummy, even though accepting this may tear your heart out. When she is much older and can understand what happened, she can learn about her REAL mother afresh. Then she can look at the photos, and come to understand that she has been lucky to have two wonderful ladies looking after her, her real mother and her step mother.

And I feel that while this may be best for your niece, it must be so painful for you, and I really don't know what to say to help you with that pain.

To be practical, at some point your niece will have to learn that she is not Clare's daughter - at the very latest when she first has to apply for a passport or bank account and needs access to her birth certificate. It's a long way off, but it is a goal for you to preserve your health so you can be there to remember your sister for her.

In the meantime, it might be an idea to offer to take care of the photos for your Dan and Clare, and suggest that it will prevent your niece coming across them accidentally and starting to ask questions before anybody is ready to answer them! I don't know, they may be glad of the offer.

Please take care. Stay well!

Richard.

meggy

Posts: 30
From: The South
Registered: 06-Nov-2006

Re: All Gone - Non CF
Posted: 05-Dec-2006 10:45

Reply

I don't think you're being silly. I can see this must be painful for you but it must also be hard for a new partner to have any pics of an ex partner around.
We are in a slightly different situation as we have an adopted child. We want to make him 'ours' but we feel like you with Shannon that his past is important. We wouldn't have pictures of his 'first mummy' up on the walls; but we do have a photo album that is a 'memory book' for him, with pictures of his birth family. Why not offer to make something like this for Shannon, with pics of her with her mum. (Maybe they've done it already). Our boy likes to sit and look at his book, and it is special for him, although he has no conscious memories of his other family.

meggy

annemac101

Posts: 28
From: glasgow
Registered: 12-Feb-2004

Re: All Gone - Non CF
Posted: 05-Dec-2006 12:40

Reply

Hi ,Sandy ,I don't think you should jump to conclusions ,maybe they have put some photos in your neice's bedroom of her and her mum or have already made a photo album for her and just haven't told you .I'm sure you will have photos of your sister in your home and when your neice visits you she can ask about them .It is a very delicate subject and depends how well you get on with Dan whether you can tell him how you feel ,I'm sure he won't let your neice forget her mum ,he maybe just does not discuss with you what he is doing ,you know what men are like !!!!I don't think you should tell your mum it might worry her because it is worrying you .I think Shannon has a lovely auntie who will be able to tell her wonderful stories of her mummy and answer al her questions when she's old enough to want to know .good luck.

Tim Davies-Moss

Posts: 145
From: Shropshire
Registered: 06-Nov-2006

Re: All Gone - Non CF
Posted: 05-Dec-2006 13:40

Reply

This is such a hard situation for everyone, but i know that your mum and dad did mention to Dan that he should not have so many photo's of Carole around as it might make his new partner feel uncomfortable

Maybe Dan took this advice to seriously.. and took them all down, but we both know how much he loved carole.. those pictures may not be on the wall but they will be close for him and Shannon to share memories.

Maybe you could suggest that shannon has some photos in her room, or her own personal photo album.. or if i was you.. id get shannon a special photo album for her memories to be kept in.. nice and safe.

Blood is thicker than water.. baby shannon will only ever have one mum.

Take care

tim x

sandylizz

Posts: 97
From: Shrewsbury
Registered: 10-Nov-2006

Re: All Gone - Non CF
Posted: 05-Dec-2006 14:23

Reply

Thanks guys,
I have actually brought Shannon a photo album and I am starting to put pictures in there for her.. As she does often ask about her Mummy..But was worried what Dan would say as he may think Im trying to drag up the past and not let Shannon accept Clare..
She had one photo in her room of her mummy but that has now gone to. I can understand photos of Carole may upset Dan but I dont think thats the case any more as he has moved on.. As he normally tells me when things are getting on top of him about Carole.

Softie I agree about the mummy thing, it will would hurt me to hear her call Clare mummy but if Shannon chose to do that I would be happy (not if she was asked to call Clare mummy though) But when they explained to her about the baby they told her the baby would call her mummy but she would still be Clare to Shannon.. So they kinda took that choice away from her..

The problem with not telling my mum is that if she goes round there she will see the pictures are not there.. Then again she pob wont go round till after xmas and it may be easy to tell her then..

xx Sandy xx