Message Boards for the CF Trust

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simba

Posts: 9
Registered: 25-Nov-2006

possible splitting-upness

Posted: 25-Nov-2006 18:24

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I'm posting for a bit of support because my boyfriend said to me today that he didn't think he could cope with me anymore. It's not cf that he can't cope with but my depression and moodswings and I'm not surprised he can't cope, because I can't cope with them either!

He's gone out this evening and I'm hoping we'll be able to work things out - I'm not sure what I'll do if we can't as we've been living together for almost two years and going out for four and a half.

I know this isn't really a cf-related problem but I don't have many friends to talk to and I know you guys have lots of common sense and good advice.

Thanks xx

p.s. I'm so sad that the forum crashed and we lost so many threads. I feel like my cf identity has been lost too.

Darkies Gem

Posts: 89
From: Doncaster, UK
Registered: 10-Nov-2006

Re: possible splitting-upness

Posted: 25-Nov-2006 18:53

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The amount of times me and Paul used to have these sort of walk-outs when I was bad with my depression is unreal.

Are you doing anything that could help your depression and mood swings? Talking to someone professionally is probably the first thing you should try.

One thing that me and paul have always done is one of us has stormed out. Then later that day, go back talk it through as calmly as possible. We also had the problem of us living together, but one thing that helped us build bridges back up, was because we were missing each other so much, even though we were both upset and thought we hated the other. One of us ends up on sofa, the other in the room. we always end up meeting each other back in the bedroom during the night. Try to get him home to talk. talking over the phone is the worst way to sort things.

I know it's hard, but the best thing is to try and talk it out, and try not to shut off for that one convo. Try and explain best you can how you feel, and why you feel. Make sure he's understands that you can't help your moodswings. Promise to get help on it, and see what support your team can provide you with.

I hope everything goes ok for you sweetie, and that you manage to work things out.

Loads of love and hugs
XxXxX

jac

Posts: 19
From: Scotland
Registered: 06-Nov-2006

Re: possible splitting-upness

Posted: 25-Nov-2006 19:26

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hello
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time and I really hope you can get things sorted out between you both.

Perhaps your boyfriend could do with some outside support himself to talk over his worries? I'm not sure how much help you get yourself for depression, but you often find there is support for the person with depression but not those who provide all the support in the background! There are usually carer groups for relatives/partners of people with depressive illnesses, where he could perhaps get support and information from others in the same position. Or I'm sure there are internet forums that may be helpful.

Although you may be able to appreciate why he is finding it hard to cope, that does not mean it is your fault. It is difficult enough to manage CF, never mind with added depression. I suppose you will need to just sit down with him and try to discuss things as openly and honestly as possible..but without blame being placed on anyone. In a relationship its a process of give and take, so any problems that emerge are never entirely due to one person.

At least if he has voiced his worries, it becomes possible move forwards in positive way. However, be careful about making big promises about changing etc, as you have to be realistic about your illness and how it affects you. It might be about helping him know how to help and support you, so he doesn't feel frustrated. Maybe you could even go to see someone (counsellor type) together, to get a more objective view.

I hope you sort everything out
jac

Angel

Posts: 491
From: London
Registered: 17-Feb-2004

Re: possible splitting-upness

Posted: 25-Nov-2006 19:38

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Not really got very much of use to add (I think Gem's and Jac's advice is excellent) but wanted to send you a hug really chuck. Tried to word some bits of advice but all I kept doing was repeating what the previous two posts say just in more poorly formed sentences

Stay strong Ms Simba xx

sandylizz

Posts: 97
From: Shrewsbury
Registered: 10-Nov-2006

Re: possible splitting-upness

Posted: 25-Nov-2006 23:25

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Im with Angel.. Cant really add to what been said.. I hope you manageto talk things through calmly.. and please dont think its your fault.. Try to stay positive and clam when you get to talk.. Im sure you can come through this..

xx Sandy xx

simba

Posts: 9
Registered: 25-Nov-2006

Re: possible splitting-upness

Posted: 27-Nov-2006 20:54

Reply

Hello everyone and thanks so much for your lovely replies.

You made me feel much better, helped things with the boy and also made me realise that I'm not alone in facing these issues.

Darkies Gem, I have seen counsellors before but the psychologist at the hospital discharged me because I was 'better'! I don't think H (boyfriend) would agree. I have had some bad times recently but am much better than I was and so I did find the timing of this quite strange. I hope you and Paul and getting on better now, it's so sweet that you'd meet up in the night.

Thanks to yours and Jac's reply I've realised that we haven't really talked about depression. I know he doesn't have any concept of it - he cannot understand why I don't get up at the crack of dawn and do 101 things and his frustration with life is that he can't do all the millions of things he wants to do. Well, they say opposites attract!

Anyway, while I knew he didn’t understand, I’ve never helped him understand. So on Sunday, I gave him some leaflets and found some good websites (which included examples of things that don’t help depression, many of which H does such as saying 'Come along' all the time! I guess he was frustrated because he was doing his best to help and so why wasn’t it? He is very much of the opinion that there is a quick solution to everything!). The website enabled him to understand more about depression and why his solutions didn't help and how he could help.

There’s still a long way to go especially over where to live and long-term togetherness issues but I managed to turn it around from him talking about me moving out on Sunday morning to us agreeing to give it some more time a few hours later. I’ve realised we didn’t actually talk about us as a couple so it isn’t surprising that we were both unhappy.

I am a bit surprised at how mortified I was when I thought I was going to lose him, so now I will not only appreciate him more but actually talking about issues should make us happier.

Thanks again for all your help and support xx

solly

Posts: 11
From: Brighton
Registered: 08-Nov-2006

Re: possible splitting-upness

Posted: 30-Nov-2006 16:01

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Hi Simba,

Glad to hear you had a good talk together. I've had a lot of depression in my life - I've not been on anti-depressants so far but wouldn't rule it out if it got bad in the future. Counselling has been a huge help to me.

I think a problem about all the positivity around CF is that it can sometimes be hard to actually say, yes, my life has been severely and negatively affected by a life-threatening illness. I know that's not what we want to focus on in a daily context, but equally, 'over-positivity' - if you can call it that! - has led me down the path of denial. I have found the best way to deal with CF and help others to understand it is to be honest about just how crap it can be to have to do all this treatment and my fears for the future, as well as the joy I get out of every day that I'm still alive.

My partner has been more positive about CF than my family (who have had many years of fears & hopes dashed), but we still find it frustrating when my physio takes half the damn day and we can't get out to do something cool. Talking about it and having rants together against CF really helps.

I know he loves *me* with CF, though CF itself sucks.

Depression can be triggered by many things - in my case, weather, change of season, less light, not eating enough, not going outside, menstruation, or pressure of work... If you can isolate some things that set you off and have a list of activities that make you feel 'up', it can help. When I'm down, I eat something I enjoy, bake a cake, watch comedy, go for a short walk...

CF doesn't change, but our reactions to it can. I've gradually become less isolated and afraid of my own mortality by talking about it and accepting that living with a long-term health condition is going to make me feel down sometimes. I'm less worried about feeling down now - I know it's not the end of the world and that it'll pass.

I also did the Expert Patient Course - run by people with a chronic condition, for people with any chronic condition. (Lots of CF-ers have done it.) I found it very helpful to meet people in the same boat and work together towards looking at our lives and how we can improve all sorts of areas. I'm now thinking of becoming a tutor on the course! Check it out if you like:

http://www.expertpatients.nhs.uk/public/default.aspx

Sorry to go on, but you really struck a chord with me. All the best.

simba

Posts: 9
Registered: 25-Nov-2006

Re: possible splitting-upness

Posted: 11-Dec-2006 20:12

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Hi Solly,
Sorry for not getting back to you before but I have been quite busy - I am trying to 'get a grip' and have started doing some voluntary work.

I thought that your point about over-posivitely was really interesting. I used to work for Disability Now newspaper and the feeling there was that whatever your disability, you should shout about it and champion it as a disabled person, otherwise you weren't accepting it and therefre you weren't accepting yourself. Or something like that.

Now with this part-time work I haven't told them about cf (probably not the best idea I've ever had). Anyway, I went on this training course on Friday (which I have blogged about) but basically no one there would've had a clue I had cf and they didn't need to but if I act like I don't have cf, am I in denial?

As you can see I find it all very confusing.

Thanks for the info about the expert patient course, I was sent a leaflet about one last year and I will definitely chase it up.

Things are still quite weird with me and my boyfriend but my job is making me feel like I do have something else in my life apart from him.