chlo
Posts:
29
From:
petersfield
Registered:
14-May-2004
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Msg for Sad & Lonely
Posted:
23-May-2004 04:11
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Hiya sad & lonely,
I have only just seen your post, so hope you will get to read this. I have CF and went through a similar thing with my boyfriend to what you have described, apart from we aren’t married.
I started going out with him in Feb 2002 on Valentines Day, we were best friends for two years before that, and we just clicked straight away. Didn’t have a single argument for the first year we went out, and even after that, no argument we had was to serious. I fell in love with him pretty much straight away, everything felt right. After we had been going out for about a year, I got confronted with the prospect of transplant, which hit me hard as at that time I wasn’t even aware it was a treatment method as it had never been mentioned to me before, and at that time I didn’t know anyone else with CF. Anyway 6 months went by, and in July last year I went for my first transplant assessment. I was put on the ‘wait and see list’, meaning they thought I would need a transplant in the future but I wasn’t quite needing it then. At the beginning of September, my health went very rapidly down hill, and I spent a long time in hospital. I was in there for 45 out of 60 days, and things had become a real struggle health wise. Also mentally I wasn’t feeling so good, and I think the time spent alone in hospital, gave me far to much time to think in a place which is isolated and out of touch with reality. A lot of my thoughts were about my relationship with Alex. I had so many feelings going on about every aspect of my life. I had to give up college coz of my health, I hadn’t seen Alex in a few weeks because my hospital is far away from where I live, so it makes it very hard for him and friends to get down to see me., I had the whole transplant thing hanging over my head, and being ill for so long takes it out of you. I had lost 1 and a half stone, from already being under weight, my lung function had dropped to 24%, and I felt very weak, and there were a few touch and go moments for a while. At times like this, it always for me brings up thoughts of the future, and the fact that I may die before the people I love, and who love me, and the thought of what I might put them through if that happens is an unbearable thought. And it’s out of anyone’s control which makes it worse. Life with CF can get a very scary thing for everyone as I’m sure you must know, and it’s a fear that’s inescapable. Anyway by November I had decided to break up with Alex, looking back on it, it was because of how much pressure I was under with everything else, and at the time, that was the one thing remaining in my control. I convinced my self during the time I was in hospital it was for the best – he would find someone better than me, I didn’t deserve him anyway, I could concentrate on my health, and if anything happened at least he would be spared the pain of that. I did what your wife has done, and refused to talk to him or see him for the following couple of months. I couldn’t bear what I had done to him, seeing him so upset, but felt it was all for the best, and I was still very weak physically, so thought the only way I would get through it is if he was no longer apart of my life. Alex to wasn’t I a position to ask any of my family how I was getting on. I did and said things to him which I will regret forever. January came and I was off for another assessment because of how ill I had been. The verdict this time was that I was ready to go on the active list and wait for a double lung transplant. It took me about 3 weeks to decide what to do. During this time you cant stop thinking of it, asking yourself some pretty big questions, knowing what you do now will effect the rest of your life, whether you live or die, and I felt very out of my depth. Me and my family faced our worst fears during that time, talking about everything that could happen, and it was one of the hardest 3 weeks of my life and the biggest decision I have had to make. I decided to go for it. I had also been thinking a lot about Alex, and how much I missed him. I still loved him with all my heart, but thought he had moved on and was over me. But I decided I had to let him tell him that the things I had regretted saying to him weren’t true. And I hoped we might be friends. I phoned him up, and after everything I had done, he greeted me with a warm voice, and we arranged to meet that night. So we met up, and I set the record straight about things I had done, I didn’t tell him I had any feelings for him, as I assumed he didn’t for me anymore. And straight away things clicked and I knew we had our friendship back. He also told me he still loved me, and over the next couple of days, it seemed like we were never apart. Now nearly 4 months down the line, we are back on track and I have never been happier. I thought it might help a bit if you heard our story. My heart really feels for you, and I hope if you and your wife are still in love that she comes to her senses, and realizes that she can’t be happy without you. I think some things are meant to be, and what ever happens will happen for a reason. I know that doesn’t make it any easier for you, but I hope what ever happens you can find some happiness again. In the mean time if you want to chat any more, please feel free to email me at cjarmatraz@hotmail.com. I would be more than happy to help in any way I can. Would really like to know how things turn out for you.
Take Care, and chin up
Love Chlo xx
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